We've all got to start somewhere.

This blog of mine has been sitting here for over a year now with nothing on it except for a single asinine sentence about carrots in response to my roommate's asinine sentence about carrots. I never wrote because I wanted to make this blog into something cool and worthwhile. But I don't know anything about politics, I don't know anything about cooking, and I dont know anything about plumbing, so there go all the usual blog topics. And I certainly don't want to write about my life. Not that I'm not interesting, but I'm just trying to cut back on my narcissism. You understand.

So I've considered a broad range of blog topics. I was going to continue writing movie reviews, just as I did for the Michigan Daily. Those were always fun. And no editors around to fuck things up....Jeff. No, I'm kidding, dudes. You rocked as editors. But then I realized I can't afford movies. Then I thought, you know, I work for a book company--maybe I should review books. They're free most of the time. But then I realized it takes me a month to read most books. And they're usually old ones. So that wouldn't work out. Plus there might be some conflict of interest with a book-industry employee critically eviscerating novels that his own company might've published. Don't want to get fired. Then I thought maybe I should just get away from the whole review thing and do alternative endings to famous books. I have a knack for mimicing voices, so I could rewrite Ulysses' final pages or the last scene of Macbeth. Maybe Macbeth could be killed by a rabid wombat, since that, too, would fulfill the weird sisters' prophecy. Count it. But then I thought, that's just as narcissistic as writing about yourself. Not to mention blasphemous. Then I thought: I really like Diddy. Maybe I could do Diddy fanfic. Then I realized that's just really creepy.

I think I finally have a winner, though: I really liked writing reviews, so why not just do them for everything? I could review movies, books, TV shows, bars, clubs, products, restaurants, grocery stores, libraries, sex with certain people/objects, music, performances, jogging paths, poetry, subway lines, my friends, toilet paper, sunsets, moon phases, cities, farms, parades, blogs, away messages, beaches, parks, classes, sports teams, magazines, celebrities, etc. It's about time that everything be weighed on the same scale. My scale. One time I took this test online, and it told me I should be a critic. Well, here it is, Website. Call me a self-fulfilling profit. Call me ad hoc. Call me an egotistical, unctiously disingenuous sesquipedalian carp. Just don't call me fifty.

I will be using a scale of 0-6 since I like gymnastics. Is that right? Or is that figure skating? God I hope it's not figure skating.

No I really like Diddy, though. Don't be surprised by a sentence or two of fanfic. But I'll keep it clean.